I loved the holidays. The cold temperatures, the snow gently coating the ground, and of course, Christmas. Every holiday season, my uncle would grace me with a surprise visit. As a kid, I looked forward to these unexpected visits. He always showed up bearing gifts for me. My uncle was constantly traveling so, he would bring me Christmas early. One snowy afternoon, I heard a harsh knock on the door. His knocks were instantly recognizable. He started his hard knock from the middle of the door and knocked twice more on the very right and left of the door. It was his signature knock that alerted my mother that he has arrived. After years of hearing the knock, it wasn’t hard to pick up the pattern.

I was a shy kid growing up. Every time I heard a knock on the door, I either ran to my room or stayed as far away from the door as possible if I was trapped. With my uncle, I just stood in my place pretending that I didn’t know it was him. He entered the house with a bag hidden behind his back. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. My face would light up every time I heard his cheery voice. I had a permanent smile, and I was giddy with excitement, I was afraid to show him my face. That day he picked me up and gave me one of usual big hugs. I felt the frost from the snow that pilled on him outside. Then, we locked faces and he had a smile as big as mine. He took off his big parka and went in for a second hug. This time, I felt the instant warmth of his body heating up his sweater against me.

The bags in his eyes told me that he came straight from work. The airport kept him plenty busy during the holidays. He could’ve gone home first, but he made sure that he saw me as soon as he left work. He quickly reached inside the bag and handed me the gift. The surprise gift was festively wrapped with Santa’s face and reindeers plastered all over the glossy red wrap. I was a fan of preserving the giftwrap, so I took my time opening it, trying to carefully remove the tape without ripping the paper. The gift was a remote-controlled train set. My uncle matched my excitement. He kept the same wide smile he walked into the house with, and he seemed to be much more excited than I was. Before opening the set, I was already in love with it. I wasted no time setting it up with him. It came with an array of different tracks, so I could choose whether I wanted it to go in a full circle or not. The train was diecast and look as realistic as it could for a replica train model. We got the set up and running in less than fifteen minutes. We stared at each other with a sense of accomplishment. The train looked amazing and ran smoothly. I gave my uncle a big hug and thanked him at least ten times that night.

The house was in high spirits that night. Every time my uncle came over, there was an uplifting energy. That’s part of why my family loved having him over. They all got along very well. He sat with me on the floor as the train went round and round, sipping coffee and chatting with my family. However, this visit was short. As usual, he had early holiday plans to travel. Seeing him that night was the highlight of my entire month. I wish I was able to express to him how much getting to see him meant to me. He left about an hour later. I was sad he had to leave early, but I held on to the possibility of him returning from his trip early for our New Year’s celebration. Little did I know, this would be one of my last experiences with him.

Several years went by since we last saw each other. I started to wonder where my uncle had gone. AI heard conflicting things from my father, who I also haven’t heard from around that time and the rest of my family. I heard that he moved back to Puerto Rico and had been there to take care of his parents. After bothering my parents’ numerous times with the question, I discovered that this was true. I missed him so much, but I understood why he was gone. My dad visited him from time to time, so I got updates about him. I missed his voice. The way he could light up a room was unmatched. The holiday seasons no longer felt the same. With each passing year, I heard less and less updates. I began to lose faith and told myself that he’ll show up unexpectedly like he used to.

On an early Saturday afternoon, several days before my birthday, I learned from my mother that my uncle had passed away in Puerto Rico. I felt my heart sink to the floor. For a few minutes, the world stopped. A pin drop could be heard in the silence of my home. No one knew how to react. There was no warning leading up this this. I didn’t hear any news that he was ill or that he was in the hospital. The news was awfully sudden and that’s what hurt me the most. I was hoping that he was going to be with me for my birthday. No one knew what to say to towards me. It isn’t easy news to break to someone who’s been longing for his uncle to visit again. Instead, he’s gone forever, and I never had a chance to say goodbye. However, I wasn’t fully hit with a wave of sadness. I’ve never experienced a death in my family or the people around. I did not know how to deal with it.

It took me years to face the fact that my uncle was gone. Since he passed in another country, I was not able to attend his funeral. I never had the closure I so desperately needed. There have been moments in my life where the thought of uncle just pops into my mind. A few years after his death, my dad reconnected with me and took me to a friend’s wedding after party. It was at this authentic Latino restaurant. The day could not be more perfect. The sky was the bluest I’ve ever seen it, the birds were singing, the people were talking amongst each other and having a great time. My dad and I were accommodated as soon as we sat down, and we were having a blast. Everyone in the room was having the time of their lives.

Music was blasting, the married couple were dancing, drinks were being served. I let my mind wander for a few minutes and then I thought to myself, my uncle would’ve loved to be here. My father noticed my instant switch in mood, no matter how hard I tried to mask it. I didn’t do a very good job either. A few minutes later, I went to the bench out front and immediately started sobbing. Three years after his death and the bottled-up emotion I kept inside me just exploded. This was the first time I cried about him being gone. This was a first necessary step to cope with my loss and ultimately my closure. I cherished the memories that my uncle and I had. I looked up to him as another father figure in my life. It was sad to think about some of the big moment he could have been apart of in my life.

The day of closure came unexpectedly, four years after his death. It was a cold winter morning in the Financial District of Manhattan. I took a day off school and went on a walk to clear my mind. The transition from high school to college was a big stressor with the semester soon ending. I decided to give myself a break from all that stress and treat myself to a day of no worries. The weather app predicted rain, but of course I never paid any mind to it. I told myself I’ll survive a couple of drops if it turned out to be true. As I’m exiting the subway station, I feel the vicious breeze hit me. It forced me to zip up my jacket. No rain yet though, I was still in the clear. I could hear the roars of the wind bouncing off every wall surrounding me. People were propelled forward as the winds blasted them with its strength. I had forgotten that I was near the ocean, so the breeze would not be easy to deal with. As I stroll down the streets, I’m keeping note of the time at the end of each song. My thoughts were empty, nothing but good music and the golden light of the sun illuminating all the skyscrapers. My playlist had several artists on repeat, helping me stay clear from the stress that I so desperately needed a break from.

I walked past my favorite coffee shop and felt the urge go in and warm up. The smell of bitter coffee grounds smacked you at the door. I cannot think of a more wonderful aroma. The smell alone was enough to wake you up. No one could resist to smile. I took a seat and did my usual observance of customers. It’s fun watching faces come in and out. People from all walks of life coming together for coffee. The baristas were working hard as usual to keep up with the morning surge of orders, some customers were already situated, getting their daily routine started, while other stood in line eagerly awaiting their morning coffee. I saw someone walk in with their family. They were all dressed up in holiday sweaters and discussing what they should check out next. I instantly knew they were tourists. They reached the counter quick, and the small girl wanted to order for the family. A man held her up and she proceeded to chant out the order. I’ll admit it was very cute in the moment. She looked back at the man and said, “Did I do it right, uncle john?” The second I heard that my mind took me back to old times with my uncle. No tears, just the joy of the memories made me smile. In that moment, I realized I think I officially accepted the fact that he’s gone.

My uncle is one of the people who I try to live up to. Someone who is kind, lovable, and someone who lights up a room when they enter. He is someone I want to model after. The thought of him hugging me after a big accomplishment or picking me up after winning a game is still a big part of my life. It’s what pushes me to strive for better things. I am not perfect, and I still have many moments where I fall short, but I know he is supporting me every step of the way.